“Dreams, meditation, awakening and more…”

“Dreams, meditation, awakening and more…”

by James Anthony Curtis

Sometimes I feel like I’m living two lives, one that has interactions, relationships of all sorts, goes to work, eats, pays bills, dreams, and the other, observing in the aloneness of all things, the space between “you” and “me” where consciousness expands and contacts in awareness.

More and more frequently as my vibration raises my heart is coming to trust this expansion, to “be” with it, allowing space for the growth to occur.

At times it can be very uncomfortable, even unnerving, because my nervous system becomes overstimulated, and I will run to my former state. Old patterns, behaviors, insecurities become inflamed, and I seek refuge in what was familiar – which is ok.

The important thing is to love through this, to have compassion, and come to realize that it’s all apart of the process.

Spending time with me is essential, being alone with my heart, relaxing into the body, breathing in the feelings of what arises.

Before entering my rest last night, I was reviewing, reflecting on a previous relationship. There was a clear unfolding in my awareness of why things had to be the way they were, a deep understanding of both our journeys, the light and good, purpose in them.

This morning before awakening, she came to me in my dreams, we caught up, sharing an infinity of growth, experience, and time “perceived” to be apart.

There was only love in my heart, excitement to share, like children wanting to play, who haven’t seen each other in awhile.

This mornings meditation followed, with deep breathing, allowing space, for “aloneness,” to transform, in the truth of “oneness.”

This journey, this love continues to surprise, awaken, heal parts of me in so many ways.

Each day it feels like an eternity, with “presents,” waiting to be unwrapped, found under its tree like Christmas morning.

May we embrace our love today, traveling the inward path, receiving the “presents” that await our awareness in unfolding.

May we allow space for reflection, holding our hearts, in the deep ocean of our vastness.

May we with sacred touch, bringing forth the one, who will finally fulfill, all that we desire, the love, we already are. Blessings, and much love to you, to me. 🙂

 

“All of Me”

“All of me”

by James Anthony Curtis

I was sharing with a dear friend last night, who at one point in my life I thought we would not be very close. I remember one of the first times I met him, I thought, “such different paths, we will never be close.” Now he has become very endeared to me, and our paths are not that different after all. In outward appearance yes, but inwardly we walk the same road.

We spent a good hour or more last night exploring the dark parts of ourselves, embracing, laughing at our journeys, the “reflections” that come to mirror our universe within, and the deep heart we both have.

Loving those depths can be challenging to say the least, acknowledging them, observing as we find our ground to deeply root within.

But as I got off the phone, I didn’t feel so lonely, and for men to have the depth of conversation we did, to feel the brotherly struggle of life, sharing feelings on that level, well it’s pretty awesome.

I can open up fairly easy to women, because women are born with a certain amount of the divine feminine energy, just by being women, but for men, there usually is a withholding because we are learning how to nurture, hold space, and be loving in the divine feminine.

But going deeper, we reach higher, our shoulders broaden, our crowns lift, our heart is our balance. Only in those places of dark, do we find the deepest of grounding.

Today may we go into the day allowing our roots to explore, into the depths, deeply rooted in love, loving whatever arises, for the benefit of all beings, as we are now, so it is.

Blessings for your heart dear one, may we embrace all that we already are, acknowledging our innocence, allowing growth, spiritual evolution to shine from our hearts desires.

May we be more fulfilled than we ever have, more loving than we could possibly imagine, finally being the one we already are, for the healing, blessing to all beings.

“100 Days of Mourning”

Today marks the “100 days of mourning” I gave me for the ending of a relationship that meant the world to me.

But it’s been about so much more than that.

The universe has conspired to love me in a way I was incapable of doing.

A little over 3 months ago, I lost my job on a Friday, the next day my girlfriend broke up with me via email, and the day after that my roommates began the process of moving out.

In the two years prior my dear mother passed after being admitted into the hospital on Christmas Eve, my wife a few months later started the divorce process, and then my dog died. Then that summer one of my closest friends “ended” our friendship.

I have never felt such loss, devastation, unworthiness, rejection, abandonment, aloneness and pain on such a deep level.

The past few years have shaken me to the core. I’ve had some of the darkest thoughts and feelings that scared me to the point of ending my own life.

I’ve wanted to run, escape, hide, “feel better,” anything to not face the life I was experiencing.

AND I NEEDED ALL OF IT.

Everything. I’ve lost so much, but I’ve gained so much more…

I’ve lost my fear of what others think of me, my fear of loneliness, and my pride.
I’ve lost much of my insecurity, my self-doubt, my control.
I’ve lost incessant thinking, over analyzing, and obsession.
I’ve lost compulsion, anxiety, and the feeling of lack in my life.
I’ve lost my belief in permanence, shame, and thinking I know the best way for things to unfold.
I’ve lost my fear of death.
And most of all, I’ve lost me, and for that I’m so grateful, blessed and loved.

I saw my ex for the first time since we split up yesterday. And I was ok. The world didn’t end, in fact it became a little brighter. I appreciate how much she brought to me, even the pain, just as so many other gifts have come wrapped in awful looking packages, I now know they were incredible gifts of “loving me” in disguise.

And one thing I’ve lost, that maybe I appreciate more so than all the gifts:
I’ve found out just because someone doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean that you have to stop loving them.

There’s a whole world full of hurting people, that deserve more love not less.

May you be blessed today. If you are feeling alone, please reach out. Know that you are not alone. People care. I Care. We care. And deep down underneath all the hurt, I promise you, its going to be ok. It will all work out.

I Love you, Namaste.

“Embracing the Dark”

Sometimes where we are, is just where we need to be.

Article by James Anthony Curtis

I couldn’t have conspired to bring my current circumstances to pass any better.

Sometimes as I question why I am going through this or that, when I seek to entertain or look outside for comfort, healing, I’m gently reminded and taught whatever it is that I Am currently receiving in my life is a teaching, a help for my growth, spiritual evolution.

This morning, I was once again was reminded that the things I see in others, the things I reject or recoil from, the fears, the ugliness, those are the things in myself that I dislike, hate, or fear. The ugliness that I refuse to embrace in others, is only the ugliness I have not loved in myself.

Outwardly it seems easy to turn away from things that don’t feel good. Inwardly however, I Am reminded ever so subtly of the greater picture of me. That there is no way around this, only through, and the road or space in which to move through can be very narrow, painful at times, small in addressing the truth.

Honesty, integrity proves itself, tests its merits by strength of heart, the love which we have for others, is really the love we have for ourselves.

Sometimes I fear as I continue down this road, what will become of me? I feel as though more and more of me is disappearing, and slowly being replaced, or born anew to something else, something wonderful, just unfamiliar. It might sound a bit silly, because who after all would fear love? But really its what we do with what loving awareness we are given. For if I am shown great ugliness, rejection, and see the inside of me through the world, am I not also given the path of great love, healing, and responsibility for my own welfare?

Whatever comes to us, in our dreams, our waking reality, our thoughts, our feelings, all of it, are only parts of ourselves wanting loved more, not less. Acknowledged. Given the attention that we try to avoid because of our fears, the things we don’t want to see because we don’t see the beauty in them, the cries for love and healing.

As we go deeper inward, we realize the awesome potentiality, not only within ourselves, but in all living beings. The love needed for the world, is only the love needed for myself. What I see as a reflection of the world in the walls of my own mind, are merely parts of myself I have not loved, healed, yet.

As I write this morning, I realize, feel, its not as overwhelming as it used to be. The Change, its just unfamiliar. And the secret is in the moment, just to do whats in front of us, what we can do now, in this moment. Time will always present an enemy if we make it one.

So we love to the best of our ability, we don’t over think, we just love, acknowledge what is, and remind ourselves everything is here to help us on our journey. We “allow,” and let things unfold through the divine order of seemingly chaotic but harmonious love that is our greater self, “the universe,” or God as we call us. The “one” who knows our needs, our being, the healing that is required for us to come into our fullness, our fulfillment of experience. “God” wants nothing more than for us to be whole, blissfully enraptured in the joy that is us.

So the heart expands again and again through the safety of love, allowing for more of the divine to enter in, more of us to become who we already are.

As we look outward, we go inward, looking at the things that scare us, the dark looks back, only wanting to be loved, cared for, that it may be healed, and made whole.

Today the practice that is being integrated, is continuing to love, feel, observe those parts that we see outwardly, inwardly, that we reject, that now we may embrace, and look to our own loving care, healing, and as we do we heal those around us, and the entire world.

Through this healing, may we be more loving than we have ever been before, more fulfilled than we could ever possibly imagine, more divinely whole, healthy, loved, in ourselves and others, for the benefit of all beings.

Namaste,
James.

Loving What Arises

Relationships. In every form, feeling, energy, and observation, it’s all about loving what arises.

~ Article by James Anthony Curtis

A few years ago my life slowly started to be deconstructed. At the time, nothing really was apparent to me, it was business as usual, things just happen, life just happens, right?

At the time, I was in the process of buying property for an intentional community with my now ex-wife of 17 years. This was a huge commitment of time, resources, and heart. My ailing dog who was my best friend, teacher and confident for years slowly became more and more unable to walk, and I knew soon he would be passing. My mother who at the time was 86, became unable to drive in the fall of that year. We were very close, we argued at times like nobodies business, but she was always there to support, love and help me over the years, and I did my best to do the same for her.

In December, on Christmas Eve of that same year, my mother asked if we could forgo gathering in the evening at her house as she didn’t feel up to the company. This was the first time over the years that this has ever happened, so while concerned, I knew as she aged this would most likely be the case, and asked if I could do anything. Politely she said “no,” she was fine, just tired.

Later that same day, I got a call from my sister who lived out of town saying Mom wasn’t feeling well, so I went down to see if she was ok. My mother was never one for hospitals, doctors, and such, but she requested to go the hospital.

So there I was, in the hospital, on Christmas Eve with my dear mother, we were laughing, joking about spending the time there together in the hospital anyways, and she remarked what a Christmas it must be for me. Mom knew what a fan of the season I was, of our celebrations at her house, but what she didn’t know was this was one of my worst fears, for something to happen to someone I love dearly, on Christmas Eve. I shared with her, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” And I meant it, with all my heart, even though I feared, and knew somehow what was unfolding.

Two weeks later on January 9th,  my two sisters, one who I fought terribly with over the years, and another who I seemed to get along with pretty well, sat with me and mom through the long night before my moms passing in the morning.

I saw clearly, maybe for the first time in many years. The one who I thought I was close with, became agitated, tired, almost distant at being in the room, the other stood by my moms side, and me, holding her hand all night, saying, “Were here Mom, its ok, were here.” I had never seen such love, fortitude, and grace before that night.

I laid my head next to moms, looking into her eyes, trying to see her, trying to tell her I was there, wanting to offer some comfort, reason, sanity for why things go the way they do. All I could do was be with her, maybe not even really knowing how to be with me.

After mom passed I became very close with that sister, the one I saw such grace in, while my other that I had been close with, seemed to turn, maybe just her way of dealing with grief, I don’t know, but even when I reached out she wanted nothing to do with our relationship. There was so much pain.

Then a few months later, while in the process of moving  to our new home, my dog slowly reached a place by early spring where I was carrying him in and out of the house to potty. Sometimes he would fall while trying his best to go, and I would have to wash him, gently clean him which I didn’t mind at all, because again I saw what was coming. That dog never once showed any signs of self-pity, never complained, nothing. Just accepted his situation, and if anything showed me continuing love for his short time until going. I begged God to take him in his sleep, I knew he was in pain, and that never happened. So one day I mustered the courage to make his appointment, for sleep to come.

A few months after this, one of my best friends who was living at the community, decided it was time that we were no longer friends, and broke my heart by ending the friendship, leaving. I grasped so hard to see what I was doing, what my part was, why my world was falling apart.

That same summer, my wife informed me she wanted to separate. A year later we were divorced.

Again and again, loss, feeling rejected, abandoned, betrayed, unworthy – all continued to settle into my heart. And I ran. As fast and as far as I could to get away from these terrors. But you cant escape what’s in you.

My ex had found a new love, and I felt even more inadequate. I set out to “reinvent” myself. To prove something. That I was worthy, that I mattered, meant something. Over those few years I lost 50 pounds, began again to practice yoga, tai chi, go to the gym, and I moved back towards the sacred texts.

I moved into the world of online dating. After dating a few times, and discovering what I didn’t want, I began to see a pattern much deeper that needed work in me. It seemed as though I saw this pattern everywhere, a repeated message of those dark places, feelings, that terrorized me, and acted out in so many different ways when exposed to the light of forming close relationships.

And although my life had been deconstructed, reconstruction began to take place. I was working with manifestation, vibration, and intention setting. I met someone who I thought was beautifully aligned with what I had been sending out to the universe, just not the way I had thought.

The thing about the little “i” and the big “I” is, “i” might be thinking along certain terms, but the universe is always thinking along the lines and manifesting what I really want and need in my life for my greater good.

So after falling deeply in love, fully giving my heart maybe more so than I ever have before, things began to fall apart again, almost as if the universe was saying, “go deeper.” I tried desperately to save, work on this relationship, to prove myself “worthy.” I desperately tried to talk with her, and Ill never forget the pain that came with her saying things like, “I never was in love with you, we have different visions, your weak, etc.”

How could I have been so deluded? So carried away in my heart for something so false? I felt so betrayed, abandoned, rejected, and not good enough, never good enough. All in that same weekend, I lost my job on a Friday, Saturday my love broke up with me, and Sunday the last of the community members decided to move out.

I was alone.

And the terrors that I thought I had somehow eradicated through reinvention returned in no uncertain terms.

So I was left to the hand of God, to the universal arrangement of deconstruction, and loss, until I began to feel, and make friends, to love what was arising in me.

And now I knew reinvention was not going to change anything. It was a distraction. An illusion.

What I didn’t realize then was, this is right where I wanted to be. It is the highest calling, because its not me trying to change or arrange things, its being taught how to heal, how to embrace, to wake up and become aware, to be self realized. The universe, or the big “I” knew exactly what it was doing, a spiritual evolution was taking place, an evolution in self love, growing in depth, meaning, discovery, and truth, not something invented.

So its been months of feeling, healing, observing, being alone, embracing, making friends with aloneness and fear, loving me through, not around.

And every event, every relationship, all the feelings that arise, are being utilized to heal right down to the cellular debris stored over so many years, lifetimes, and dimensions.

A different kind of healing than I would ever have thought, because this healing is vibrationally changing the face of the planet, the universe, everything. Its not just about me anymore, its about ME.

And the message I receive when I experience doubt, when I become trapped by those old terrors, barriers, and things arise that are painful is, “It will all work out, you are here to learn faith.”

This is what I wish to pass on to you.

Its not random that your reading this, that I’m typing it, nothing is random in the chaotic harmony of the Divine, it all has purpose, and is for our highest good.

So whatever is provoked in you today, in me, embrace it, love when crying, love when judging, love when feeling sorry, or angry, and when you don’t feel like loving, just be, and let love do what love does, love. The changes come quick, although at first there is a tremendous amount of pain, barriers, and being overwhelmed. And the changes come where were at, not where we want to be. Its taken me a lifetime to get here, now, and that’s not such a bad thing, because I needed the fuel to be here, now.

When the heart is open, we grow, we grow through the midst of every storm, and although our house, our friends, our lovers and relationships might seem to turn, or even abandon us, its because we are learning not to abandon us, and to love us through anything, through all impermanency. And once we tune into the big “I,” the little “i” discovers just how worthy it was all along.

Blessings to you friend, You are not alone. I acknowledge your pain, your feelings, your path.

With love, and gratitude, thank you so much for helping me.
Namaste, James.

 

 

 

Dealing with Stress, Loss and Pain

Photo by: Cameron Gray 

Another night of thoughts, little sleep, and energetic connection to a soul that wants nothing to do with me.

~ article by James Anthony Curtis

Its been almost a month now, and my partner has completely deleted me from her life. The original break up was through email, a few talks on the phone, and then she refused to see me or meet with me.

I poured so much of my self into the relationship that there was virtually no room for me in my life. So when she decided to call us done, I was left with little of me to cope with the feelings of rejection, loss, and unworthiness that came up in me.

I allowed myself to connect to her soul energetically on a deep level. If you’ve ever experienced this you’ll know what I mean. We had a long distance relationship and it was not uncommon to feel her energy throughout the day, the highs, lows, her health, and what was going to such an extent it was hard sometimes to sort out what was what. The connection was so strong I still feel it to this day, although on some levels it is lessoning. This can make for an interesting mix when your old partner starts seeing someone new, and the exhilaration of emotions she gets come up in me, while Im still grieving the loss of our relationship. And on top of that we have no communication, I was never permitted to “part” from her energetically, to grieve the loss as we uncoupled. When this happens there is no recourse but to deal with your feelings, energy, and cope as best you can with the unresolved intimacy to which you are still linked.

Its been much of like dealing with a death. But then Ill get suttle reminders that I might someday run into her on a hiking trail, climbing, a restaurant, or places we used to frequent together. We had such similar interests its not a question of if it will happen, but when. So comes in Stress. The stress of the connection you so much still desire, that your previous partner does not. Stress of how to live daily feeling what you feel. The loss in thought, of something that used to be, that is no more, and all the questions of why? How did it come to this? And Blame. Blaming of self, and of course the other.

To start with, let me acknowledge that if your in pain, if you feel stress, if your reading this identifying, maybe even crying and feeling your own loss, or stress due to some tragedy in your life, you are not alone – WE are not alone.

Allow yourself to feel, love yourself even when you judge yourself, when you judge others or situations. Give yourself permission to think and feel whatever you do, because this will open your heart enough to begin the healing. Think of it literally as a wound, if you ever have had a cut that scabs over, its not a pretty process, healing can look and feel ugly, but underneath that process a wonderful transformation is taking place for me and you.

So lets start with our old paradigm. We tend to tell ourselves “I would feel better if they would act differently,” or, “If this wouldn’t have happened I would feel different.” This is a victimhood stance that traps us, that how other people act, or what our experience is in any given circumstance, determines the amount of stress we feel. What stress actually is, is a sounding board to tell us how out of alignment we are with the universe, or how much we are grounded in ego.

Peace, contentment, and fulfillment come from what we align with, what energy we are anchoring in. Health, vitality and wholeness come from source, or the Divine, not from how people act in our life. This can be a hard lesson. I know it is with me. Frequently I feel out of sorts with my emotions, not just from this recent loss and how she behaved, but from the environment I live in daily. Over and over again I Am doing a check of alignment in love, feeling the feelings, loving my self through them, observing my reactions in love, allowing myself space, and realigning to the universe.

At our very core we are susceptible to the oneness of everything around us. Other peoples emotions, responses, and energy to the food we eat, the amount of movement in our lives, to what we listen or watch can easily affect our field. What we do with that is what I Am learning. How to use that to realign, rather than get tossed about by the waves of existence on some cosmic sea. To be a participant, rather than taking everything on as my own, constantly trying to rearrange the sea to try to make things “better.”

A good indicator of how we handle energy, or what comes to us is how personal we take things. We live in a world where there are billions of unique expressions of the Divine, and for me to think everyone of those expressions acts and thinks as I do, and or should, is crazy. But at the same time, all of those expressions are here to help me. To be mirrors, flashes of light for my greater spiritual evolution.

So I’m learning to integrate the Divine in me more fully for life’s journey. To listen to the universe, the one, in its various aspects of male, female, dark and light, to work through me for my highest destiny and expression of the Divine in me. To align with that which is working in and around, flowing with universe, rather than trying to buck the current. Letting go of clinging, and control, through loving embrace to the fact that I can cling.

So what it comes down to, is the belief that stress, pain or dissatisfaction comes from others, it is an illusion. If I believe my contentment, fulfillment or peace comes from others, it is also an illusion. There has to be a shift in perception. So for us to shift, we first need to acknowledge we don’t know how to shift. If were working with what we came with, we wont get very far, but if we open up to the idea of oneness, or that the universe is working for us, we don’t have to fight against it, and we can ask the universe for help.

We don’t have to try to figure things out. We just have to trust in the much larger version of us than what we’ve been working with. Its like I’ve been the pinky trying to do all the work of the body. I don’t, I cant, we can’t and aren’t meant to do it alone. Loving ourselves is a much larger job than the pinky can handle – it might give its best effort for a while, but eventually, well its only one part of the equation for wholeness. And the rest of the body, well it kind of looks on in compassion saying, “doesn’t he realize he cant do all that lifting on his own?”

So its not about us “getting out of the way,” its about us asking for help, embracing the realization we are not here to do the ride our self. The Divine is in us as a unique expression, why would we not ask us for help through an entire universe at our means?

“Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened.”

Everything that comes our way, is here to help, to love, to birth us out of ego based living and into self-realization of who we truly are. Not who we are becoming, who we already are. Its a process. We have layer upon layer of infinite realization, why not enjoy the process rather than fight against it? Why not give ourselves relief, such wonderful compassion to all the help available, and align with the current? Give ourselves over to our own love, our Divine manifestation, and allow the universe to drawn in exactly what we need. Place us exactly where we should be. And we will know if we are aligned by how we feel. If we feel satisfied, content, at peace: we are aligned. Stressed, we are not. So writing this once again has helped me. Sharing, knowing Im not alone, and receiving your emails, and correspondence has been wonderful.

Thank you so much for helping me.

I acknowledge your pain.

We are not alone. We are loved. Lets ask for help today from our greater selves, and remember not to lift to much with the pinky, when we have the whole body here to help and guide us into our greatest spiritual destiny and highest evolution.

I love you,
James

 

 

 

Learn to Take care of yourself!

So 3 Am last night, and once again eyes wide open.

Hurting, feeling the pain of things removed, especially most recently the woman I love. After laying in bed for awhile, listening to the rain outside, minor rumbles, watching the flashes of light across the night sky, I decide to start writing, reaching out.

I belong to a meditation app where there are some groups you can join to share, read, and write. So of all nights, (that synchronicity thing) I find the one group dedicated to people looking for a “deeper bond/relationship.”

So hear me out. I Am in no way looking to get into anything of a relationship because of what I just came out of. I’m still completely, totally heart struck, in love, crazy about the woman I was with, and most of all I just miss our connection, the energy, our friendship. We even tried that for about a week, but the connection took such a turn on her end, that she completely cut me off. Almost as if she went from loving me, to hating me. And me, I just sat there feeling punch drunk, trying to understand what had happened. Feelings, thoughts, a whirlwind of insanity left me utterly broken, and trying to understand the bigger picture of “how is this helping me?” So here is my post from 3 AM:

“Feeling so deceived, led on in love I completely gave my heart to be devastated by a “break up email” a month ago. 
So much seemed so perfect and right in the relationship from the chemistry to the interests, our connection spiritually and sharing, it really felt surreal at times and incredible. 
Then my partner seemed to turn one night on a whim with, “our visions don’t match, there is no chemistry, never was, and I never was in love with you.” 
I have been destroyed by this. I feel foolish, naive, and can’t stop thinking about all the times we had that were so beautiful, wondering who I was with, what was real, if anything was real, and how could she turn in an instant to be so cold, even callous to the point of completely deleting me from her life, and move into dating a week later. 
Wondering how we could have shared such depth and intimacy only for it to be discarded like it was nothing. 
I feel like I’m still spinning, asking what is real in my life. 
The other part to this is a huge universal shift in my life, separating me from almost everything that was stable – lost job, friends, family, almost as if I’m being “birthed” into a totally new reality. 
It’s so undeniable that I have no options left but to be with me, work on me, love me, that it feels like my entire life has been arranged simply to do “self-love.” 
So what started out as a relationship rant, really has come back to “was I just in this relationship to be so completely in love, to be so completely devastated, that I finally would love me, and seek my soulmate in me?” 
I’m ok with this, and I know it’s for my greater well-being, I just can’t stop thinking about how things were, what was said, and if the relationship that so completely destroyed me was real at all… 

I keep telling myself, “All is well.” Loving me, just hoping the universe continues to help me grow, love and find fulfillment in me, and not to become hardened or fearful by this, but to love without delusion at a greater depth. 
The pain has just been like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And God I want to get my lessons, to really grow through this, I feel like such a fool for putting my heart out there, and not loving me better, and I’m trying to love that part of me also. 
What really strikes me is even after I’ve been treated so coldly and without feeling, I still love her, pray for her, feel her energy throughout the day – how can one person be so energetically connected, and be so blind to what the other person really is? How can love be so one-sided? 
Looking back I felt much of this, and thought I was just being overly insecure in asking her if things were ok, if she loved me, and her reply was always to “trust me.” Now, all I can see is such deception on a deep level from her, and yet I still love her! 
Uuugghh, feeling so crazy, lost at times. 
Sorry for the long post. 3am no sleep… 
Thanks for letting me share. 
Peace.”

So there it is.

I’m in it once again, up on the hill, alone in my cabin, writing about loss, devastation, rejection and of course unworthiness.

The difference is I know its all for my well-being. Its almost as if I can step back, look at the situation, and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this is ALL Divinely inspired for my spiritual evolution. I see God’s fingerprints everywhere. This relationship was just apart of the bigger picture, the last great swing to crack the ego of denial.

Denial for what?

That I need to love me more, not less, in every aspect of this life.

Every single post comment I received last night and this morning were so supportive, loving, and yet so on point with taking care of and loving me.

I’ve spent so much time in life building relationships outside of myself that I have so often craved and encountered within, and the ones outside of me never lasted. In any area of my life, work, pets, parents, kids, mates. None of them are permanent. They are gifts that come and go, and not in any way controllable.

And as I look closer at who she was as a person, she didn’t love herself either, at least not to the point where she was capable of being in a long term relationship, neither one of us was.

So how can I be upset at anything of this?

It doesn’t matter if Im upset or not, what matters is that I grant me space to be whatever I am, think, feel… that I hold space for my thoughts and feelings with love. That I allow me to respect me, to hold me, and others to love me interdependently as humans should.

We all need connection, love, touch, but learning how to give this to ourselves is paramount. It kind of feels like tuning into the bigger version of me, the bigger “self” wants the experience and connection of others, however that comes, that fellowship, but when this extension of source that is me starts to depend on that solely for its connection, its like I’m cutting me off from who I really am, instead of enjoying the experience of all that I Am.

So yea, do I miss her. For sure. But the evolution that’s taking place is solidifying my connection with me. And the pain is exactly what I needed to pay attention, to crawl out of the cocoon of the ego, to pump the blood of love into the wings that were meant for me to be free.

It was like the last thing to go in my life, the most painful thing yet, to let me know, “It’s going to be ok, no matter what, it will all work out, have faith.”

 

Everyone has to start Somewhere, why not here, now?

So, I’m writing…my first blog as a big smile sweeps an often tear trailed face.

Where do I start?

Well, I guess Ill put some things out there to peak your interest and remember mine. Why I’m doing this. I’ve seen some pretty strange things over my years, heard some pretty strange things, and much of them, well I denied because of fear.

Really I just wanted to be happy, maybe “comfortable” would be a better word. I don’t want to sound like your typical fly by night medium, or small change magician on a street corner, most folks like that years ago I wouldn’t have given a second thought, I just assumed it was a trick, a gimmick, and none of it was real. I remember wanting to believe, in love, in magic, in energy and all its mysterious qualities of connection, and I wasn’t so sarcastic or judgmental, until the pain came. And the wall building began. The delusion. The running, excuses, lies, and fantasies. All the things we do and tell ourselves to be comfortable, until the “comfort” turns cold, and we are left standing there plugging holes in the wall we’ve built as reality gushes through.

And then one day the wall breaks.

Hopefully, it does so completely and without reservation.

I wish that for you, for me. I wish that it is with so much devastation, heartache and tragedy that we can not rebuild it. That we are ushered into love, into our pain. That we come to know what we have been looking for all our lives.

All I know is that now it is real. The universe loved me enough to crush my fantasies, delusions, all that I had built to be comfortable, but not safe. Pain is just the learning curve, and the old paradigm is being destroyed as evolution takes place, “birth.”

Looking back, I never pictured to meet the Angels I did, as smokers, drinkers, or even going to the dark places I would sometimes venture in my youth, but now it makes much more sense. I was in a dark place, and the universe was still there, still trying to reach me, wake me up, love me.

Now its more about loving and embracing those places inside of me, allowing myself to feel them, love me while I judge them, observe me while I think the things I do, and spend time with what arises. Pain? Oh yea. I’m not sure I’ve had a day this past month where it hasn’t been a welcomed guest in my home. If I could have, I would have stepped right back into my delusions if the universe would have allowed that for a moments relief. Even now, I miss dearly my mate, my mother, my income, the friendships, my dog, all the things that were removed from me fro me to be with me. To learn to “love” me. My mind tries to find a way to reopen doors, just for a moments touch, but I bargained for years, cried mercy, and received it, got my way on so much, and now, that’s just not going to cut it. Something, or someone, maybe the greater me, or you, God, the universe, something loves me enough to be with me, withhold from me, give me this space.

Now I’m really doing this, Im really here, Im really in this body, and I’m apart of the movie. I Am being birthed into the kingdom.

I cried for so long, ached for so long about a great many things, and here it is. It’s really happening and this time there is no bargaining. The universe loves me to much for me to just “let this go.” No, it’s screaming “Embrace! Embrace!”

Its happening whether I want it too or not.

And suicide, homicide, criminal activity, the monsters of escape are no joke either. I see it all the time. Sometimes I think it. But then I realize how much pain there is, and something did reach me thank God. Validation that yes, I’m blessed beyond measure. And although Im uncomfortable and in pain, that there’s a purpose beyond the madness of how I feel sometimes – that its not just me, ALOT of people are going through this and aren’t even aware of whats happening.

Maybe I’m writing right now sharing this, so I know I’m not alone, and neither are you.

We just want to feel better. To feel safe, loved.

Its coming. We will. Trust. Have faith. Let the universe guide. It will work out. Your not crazy and neither am I. Don’t buy into the quick fix. Feel. Love every aspect of who you are, and then love others. Thank them. Bless them. Wish everyone more love today than they had yesterday.

I acknowledge your pain.

Thank you for helping me.

I love you.

You are not alone.

Blessings to your heart and mine, James.