Relationships. In every form, feeling, energy, and observation, it’s all about loving what arises.
~ Article by James Anthony Curtis
A few years ago my life slowly started to be deconstructed. At the time, nothing really was apparent to me, it was business as usual, things just happen, life just happens, right?
At the time, I was in the process of buying property for an intentional community with my now ex-wife of 17 years. This was a huge commitment of time, resources, and heart. My ailing dog who was my best friend, teacher and confident for years slowly became more and more unable to walk, and I knew soon he would be passing. My mother who at the time was 86, became unable to drive in the fall of that year. We were very close, we argued at times like nobodies business, but she was always there to support, love and help me over the years, and I did my best to do the same for her.
In December, on Christmas Eve of that same year, my mother asked if we could forgo gathering in the evening at her house as she didn’t feel up to the company. This was the first time over the years that this has ever happened, so while concerned, I knew as she aged this would most likely be the case, and asked if I could do anything. Politely she said “no,” she was fine, just tired.
Later that same day, I got a call from my sister who lived out of town saying Mom wasn’t feeling well, so I went down to see if she was ok. My mother was never one for hospitals, doctors, and such, but she requested to go the hospital.
So there I was, in the hospital, on Christmas Eve with my dear mother, we were laughing, joking about spending the time there together in the hospital anyways, and she remarked what a Christmas it must be for me. Mom knew what a fan of the season I was, of our celebrations at her house, but what she didn’t know was this was one of my worst fears, for something to happen to someone I love dearly, on Christmas Eve. I shared with her, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” And I meant it, with all my heart, even though I feared, and knew somehow what was unfolding.
Two weeks later on January 9th, my two sisters, one who I fought terribly with over the years, and another who I seemed to get along with pretty well, sat with me and mom through the long night before my moms passing in the morning.
I saw clearly, maybe for the first time in many years. The one who I thought I was close with, became agitated, tired, almost distant at being in the room, the other stood by my moms side, and me, holding her hand all night, saying, “Were here Mom, its ok, were here.” I had never seen such love, fortitude, and grace before that night.
I laid my head next to moms, looking into her eyes, trying to see her, trying to tell her I was there, wanting to offer some comfort, reason, sanity for why things go the way they do. All I could do was be with her, maybe not even really knowing how to be with me.
After mom passed I became very close with that sister, the one I saw such grace in, while my other that I had been close with, seemed to turn, maybe just her way of dealing with grief, I don’t know, but even when I reached out she wanted nothing to do with our relationship. There was so much pain.
Then a few months later, while in the process of moving to our new home, my dog slowly reached a place by early spring where I was carrying him in and out of the house to potty. Sometimes he would fall while trying his best to go, and I would have to wash him, gently clean him which I didn’t mind at all, because again I saw what was coming. That dog never once showed any signs of self-pity, never complained, nothing. Just accepted his situation, and if anything showed me continuing love for his short time until going. I begged God to take him in his sleep, I knew he was in pain, and that never happened. So one day I mustered the courage to make his appointment, for sleep to come.
A few months after this, one of my best friends who was living at the community, decided it was time that we were no longer friends, and broke my heart by ending the friendship, leaving. I grasped so hard to see what I was doing, what my part was, why my world was falling apart.
That same summer, my wife informed me she wanted to separate. A year later we were divorced.
Again and again, loss, feeling rejected, abandoned, betrayed, unworthy – all continued to settle into my heart. And I ran. As fast and as far as I could to get away from these terrors. But you cant escape what’s in you.
My ex had found a new love, and I felt even more inadequate. I set out to “reinvent” myself. To prove something. That I was worthy, that I mattered, meant something. Over those few years I lost 50 pounds, began again to practice yoga, tai chi, go to the gym, and I moved back towards the sacred texts.
I moved into the world of online dating. After dating a few times, and discovering what I didn’t want, I began to see a pattern much deeper that needed work in me. It seemed as though I saw this pattern everywhere, a repeated message of those dark places, feelings, that terrorized me, and acted out in so many different ways when exposed to the light of forming close relationships.
And although my life had been deconstructed, reconstruction began to take place. I was working with manifestation, vibration, and intention setting. I met someone who I thought was beautifully aligned with what I had been sending out to the universe, just not the way I had thought.
The thing about the little “i” and the big “I” is, “i” might be thinking along certain terms, but the universe is always thinking along the lines and manifesting what I really want and need in my life for my greater good.
So after falling deeply in love, fully giving my heart maybe more so than I ever have before, things began to fall apart again, almost as if the universe was saying, “go deeper.” I tried desperately to save, work on this relationship, to prove myself “worthy.” I desperately tried to talk with her, and Ill never forget the pain that came with her saying things like, “I never was in love with you, we have different visions, your weak, etc.”
How could I have been so deluded? So carried away in my heart for something so false? I felt so betrayed, abandoned, rejected, and not good enough, never good enough. All in that same weekend, I lost my job on a Friday, Saturday my love broke up with me, and Sunday the last of the community members decided to move out.
I was alone.
And the terrors that I thought I had somehow eradicated through reinvention returned in no uncertain terms.
So I was left to the hand of God, to the universal arrangement of deconstruction, and loss, until I began to feel, and make friends, to love what was arising in me.
And now I knew reinvention was not going to change anything. It was a distraction. An illusion.
What I didn’t realize then was, this is right where I wanted to be. It is the highest calling, because its not me trying to change or arrange things, its being taught how to heal, how to embrace, to wake up and become aware, to be self realized. The universe, or the big “I” knew exactly what it was doing, a spiritual evolution was taking place, an evolution in self love, growing in depth, meaning, discovery, and truth, not something invented.
So its been months of feeling, healing, observing, being alone, embracing, making friends with aloneness and fear, loving me through, not around.
And every event, every relationship, all the feelings that arise, are being utilized to heal right down to the cellular debris stored over so many years, lifetimes, and dimensions.
A different kind of healing than I would ever have thought, because this healing is vibrationally changing the face of the planet, the universe, everything. Its not just about me anymore, its about ME.
And the message I receive when I experience doubt, when I become trapped by those old terrors, barriers, and things arise that are painful is, “It will all work out, you are here to learn faith.”
This is what I wish to pass on to you.
Its not random that your reading this, that I’m typing it, nothing is random in the chaotic harmony of the Divine, it all has purpose, and is for our highest good.
So whatever is provoked in you today, in me, embrace it, love when crying, love when judging, love when feeling sorry, or angry, and when you don’t feel like loving, just be, and let love do what love does, love. The changes come quick, although at first there is a tremendous amount of pain, barriers, and being overwhelmed. And the changes come where were at, not where we want to be. Its taken me a lifetime to get here, now, and that’s not such a bad thing, because I needed the fuel to be here, now.
When the heart is open, we grow, we grow through the midst of every storm, and although our house, our friends, our lovers and relationships might seem to turn, or even abandon us, its because we are learning not to abandon us, and to love us through anything, through all impermanency. And once we tune into the big “I,” the little “i” discovers just how worthy it was all along.
Blessings to you friend, You are not alone. I acknowledge your pain, your feelings, your path.
With love, and gratitude, thank you so much for helping me.