So, I’m writing…my first blog as a big smile sweeps an often tear trailed face.
Where do I start?
Well, I guess Ill put some things out there to peak your interest and remember mine. Why I’m doing this. I’ve seen some pretty strange things over my years, heard some pretty strange things, and much of them, well I denied because of fear.
Really I just wanted to be happy, maybe “comfortable” would be a better word. I don’t want to sound like your typical fly by night medium, or small change magician on a street corner, most folks like that years ago I wouldn’t have given a second thought, I just assumed it was a trick, a gimmick, and none of it was real. I remember wanting to believe, in love, in magic, in energy and all its mysterious qualities of connection, and I wasn’t so sarcastic or judgmental, until the pain came. And the wall building began. The delusion. The running, excuses, lies, and fantasies. All the things we do and tell ourselves to be comfortable, until the “comfort” turns cold, and we are left standing there plugging holes in the wall we’ve built as reality gushes through.
And then one day the wall breaks.
Hopefully, it does so completely and without reservation.
I wish that for you, for me. I wish that it is with so much devastation, heartache and tragedy that we can not rebuild it. That we are ushered into love, into our pain. That we come to know what we have been looking for all our lives.
All I know is that now it is real. The universe loved me enough to crush my fantasies, delusions, all that I had built to be comfortable, but not safe. Pain is just the learning curve, and the old paradigm is being destroyed as evolution takes place, “birth.”
Looking back, I never pictured to meet the Angels I did, as smokers, drinkers, or even going to the dark places I would sometimes venture in my youth, but now it makes much more sense. I was in a dark place, and the universe was still there, still trying to reach me, wake me up, love me.
Now its more about loving and embracing those places inside of me, allowing myself to feel them, love me while I judge them, observe me while I think the things I do, and spend time with what arises. Pain? Oh yea. I’m not sure I’ve had a day this past month where it hasn’t been a welcomed guest in my home. If I could have, I would have stepped right back into my delusions if the universe would have allowed that for a moments relief. Even now, I miss dearly my mate, my mother, my income, the friendships, my dog, all the things that were removed from me fro me to be with me. To learn to “love” me. My mind tries to find a way to reopen doors, just for a moments touch, but I bargained for years, cried mercy, and received it, got my way on so much, and now, that’s just not going to cut it. Something, or someone, maybe the greater me, or you, God, the universe, something loves me enough to be with me, withhold from me, give me this space.
Now I’m really doing this, Im really here, Im really in this body, and I’m apart of the movie. I Am being birthed into the kingdom.
I cried for so long, ached for so long about a great many things, and here it is. It’s really happening and this time there is no bargaining. The universe loves me to much for me to just “let this go.” No, it’s screaming “Embrace! Embrace!”
Its happening whether I want it too or not.
And suicide, homicide, criminal activity, the monsters of escape are no joke either. I see it all the time. Sometimes I think it. But then I realize how much pain there is, and something did reach me thank God. Validation that yes, I’m blessed beyond measure. And although Im uncomfortable and in pain, that there’s a purpose beyond the madness of how I feel sometimes – that its not just me, ALOT of people are going through this and aren’t even aware of whats happening.
Maybe I’m writing right now sharing this, so I know I’m not alone, and neither are you.
We just want to feel better. To feel safe, loved.
Its coming. We will. Trust. Have faith. Let the universe guide. It will work out. Your not crazy and neither am I. Don’t buy into the quick fix. Feel. Love every aspect of who you are, and then love others. Thank them. Bless them. Wish everyone more love today than they had yesterday.
I acknowledge your pain.
Thank you for helping me.
I love you.
You are not alone.
Blessings to your heart and mine, James.