6 Hours to live.
I was listening to one of my favorite composers this morning (Abel Korzeniowski), going through my morning practices, feeling feelings, allowing whatever to arise, and loving that. The song came up, “6 Hours”.
The feeling of deep sadness came over me, and the thought, “What would you do? With but 6 hours to live?” I allowed myself to be with this thought, to let my mind, my emotions flow with it. Most of my family is gone. I have one sister who lives near me, but we don’t talk very often, or in depth. My mother who I was close with passed a few years ago. No mate, my dog has passed, no job to speak of at this time, I live alone in the woods, and most of my friendships are of a distant nature except a very small few that I can share with deeply.
I Am alone.
This struck me, that I Am alone. Maybe as a sad undertone to my entire life. Something that has always been there, not something I bath in for self-pity’s sake, its just always been in me. Even in the most intimate of relationships, or times past with family, friends, even pets, the realization or awareness of this “aloneness” has always permeated my being.
You wouldn’t know this from being with me, talking, sharing with me. I love life. I love people. All kinds of people. In all their various forms, shapes, sizes, colors, and being. I love listening to people, hearing stories, getting to know them, their likes, dislikes, their joy and pain. I love experiencing feelings, sometimes to the extent I’m not sure who is feeling what – but that’s ok too. Most times I feel so connected to others that its like it is me, telling me about all their wonderful journeys, its such a wonderful blessing.
When people share their stories, triumphs, and excitement – when we do things together, hiking, walking, eating, watching, learning, I feel so alive and at peace, and I forget about the aloneness. It gets replaced with something greater, something bigger than both of us. Something majestic in nature. Heavenly in connection.
So lately the universe has me spending a lot of time with me. ALOT – alone. Loving and getting to know me on a much deeper level, because no matter how much I enjoy others, connect with them, and feel what they feel, “aloneness” will always be there, somewhere in my being. So much so it drove me to addiction in early life, unhealthy relationships, escape into jobs, insecurities of all sorts, and fear. Fear of almost everything. That corroding thread of life, that always kept me a prisoner to sleep, and seeking “more,” or to feel better. Why would anyone want to see, hear or feel with such pain that comes from being in loneliness?
I mean, anyone can go to a retreat, sit on a mountainside for a few days, and explore their loneliness, but to fully embrace it, be with it, make friends with it, that’s the journey, the path truly less traveled. To observe, feel, love ourselves as no one else can, all of us, in every aspect, every thought, every feeling… To be ok with “alone.” That’s strength, security, independence, and love.
I recently read an article on love, relationships and the deepest of commitments we can make in life. The author expressed that to truly see into another’s soul, to commune with them on a deep level of intimacy, to know them, we must first come to know, be, and love ourselves, in aloneness.
So once again, I Am thrust into the void of being alone. Only this time its different. Im not running, nor am I trying to fill up time, or accomplish something. No job. No mate. No roommates. No where to be, except to be here now with my friend, “Alone.”
So what would I do for the next 6 hours?
My first thought was to wander deep into the woods, where my body might find a spot to rest, and my bones might slowly sink into the earth after I passed. Because what meaning is there if I Am alone? Why fear? Why do anything, go anywhere in the finality that is stalking us? What’s the difference between 20 years and 6 hours?
Then my heart whispered, “I haven’t said enough yet, and besides, you need to make friends with being alone…”
My breath is the Divine. It is life.
I Am an expression, a desire of the Divine “One.” I Am uniquely me. And I have more to say, more love to offer, something left of me to give, to hold, to kiss others as no one else can. To “Be,” what no one else can be. To see in a way that no one else sees. And I’m learning to give all of that to my friend, “Alone.”
I Am a unique expression of love, sharing, and light that the universe has offered to me, or for others to enjoy. So as I look from my vantage point with aloneness, I love, and I remember that “connection” to myself is key, and will guide me to the “ONENESS” of all things.
So I write. This is what I would do for the next 6 hours unless someone showed up on the mountain where I live, or I felt inspired to go see someone, to hug them, share with them my last few breaths.
I would write. I would share me as best I could, with me, say things I felt were important to say, love me as best I could, because in the end, that’s all I ever wanted, was to love, and be loved.
And if you are me, and I Am you, I will do my best to do that, no matter how “Alone” feels sometimes.