“6 Hours”

6 Hours to live.

I was listening to one of my favorite composers this morning (Abel Korzeniowski), going through my morning practices, feeling feelings, allowing whatever to arise, and loving that. The song came up, “6 Hours”.

The feeling of deep sadness came over me, and the thought, “What would you do? With but 6 hours to live?” I allowed myself to be with this thought, to let my mind, my emotions flow with it. Most of my family is gone. I have one sister who lives near me, but we don’t talk very often, or in depth. My mother who I was close with passed a few years ago. No mate, my dog has passed, no job to speak of at this time, I live alone in the woods, and most of my friendships are of a distant nature except a very small few that I can share with deeply.

I Am alone.

This struck me, that I Am alone. Maybe as a sad undertone to my entire life. Something that has always been there, not something I bath in for self-pity’s sake, its just always been in me. Even in the most intimate of relationships, or times past with family, friends, even pets, the realization or awareness of this “aloneness” has always permeated my being.

You wouldn’t know this from being with me, talking, sharing with me. I love life. I love people. All kinds of people. In all their various forms, shapes, sizes, colors, and being. I love listening to people, hearing stories, getting to know them, their likes, dislikes, their joy and pain. I love experiencing feelings, sometimes to the extent I’m not sure who is feeling what – but that’s ok too. Most times I feel so connected to others that its like it is me, telling me about all their wonderful journeys, its such a wonderful blessing.

When people share their stories, triumphs, and excitement – when we do things together, hiking, walking, eating, watching, learning, I feel so alive and at peace, and I forget about the aloneness. It gets replaced with something greater, something bigger than both of us. Something majestic in nature. Heavenly in connection.

So lately the universe has me spending a lot of time with me. ALOT – alone. Loving and getting to know me on a much deeper level, because no matter how much I enjoy others, connect with them, and feel what they feel, “aloneness” will always be there, somewhere in my being. So much so it drove me to addiction in early life, unhealthy relationships, escape into jobs, insecurities of all sorts, and fear. Fear of almost everything. That corroding thread of life, that always kept me a prisoner to sleep, and seeking “more,” or to feel better. Why would anyone want to see, hear or feel with such pain that comes from being in loneliness?

I mean, anyone can go to a retreat, sit on a mountainside for a few days, and explore their loneliness, but to fully embrace it, be with it, make friends with it, that’s the journey, the path truly less traveled. To observe, feel, love ourselves as no one else can, all of us, in every aspect, every thought, every feeling… To be ok with “alone.” That’s strength, security, independence, and love.

I recently read an article on love, relationships and the deepest of commitments we can make in life. The author expressed that to truly see into another’s soul, to commune with them on a deep level of intimacy, to know them, we must first come to know, be, and love ourselves, in aloneness.

So once again, I Am thrust into the void of being alone. Only this time its different. Im not running, nor am I trying to fill up time, or accomplish something. No job. No mate. No roommates. No where to be, except to be here now with my friend, “Alone.”

So what would I do for the next 6 hours?

My first thought was to wander deep into the woods, where my body might find a spot to rest, and my bones might slowly sink into the earth after I passed. Because what meaning is there if I Am alone? Why fear? Why do anything, go anywhere in the finality that is stalking us? What’s the difference between 20 years and 6 hours?

Then my heart whispered, “I haven’t said enough yet, and besides, you need to make friends with being alone…”

My breath is the Divine. It is life.

I Am an expression, a desire of the Divine “One.” I Am uniquely me. And I have more to say, more love to offer, something left of me to give, to hold, to kiss others as no one else can. To “Be,” what no one else can be. To see in a way that no one else sees. And I’m learning to give all of that to my friend, “Alone.”

I Am a unique expression of love, sharing, and light that the universe has offered to me, or for others to enjoy. So as I look from my vantage point with aloneness, I love, and I remember that “connection” to myself is key, and will guide me to the “ONENESS” of all things.

So I write. This is what I would do for the next 6 hours unless someone showed up on the mountain where I live, or I felt inspired to go see someone, to hug them, share with them my last few breaths.

I would write. I would share me as best I could, with me, say things I felt were important to say, love me as best I could, because in the end, that’s all I ever wanted, was to love, and be loved.

And if you are me, and I Am you, I will do my best to do that, no matter how “Alone” feels sometimes.

Namaste,
Me/You (James)

 

 

 

 

 

Learn to Take care of yourself!

So 3 Am last night, and once again eyes wide open.

Hurting, feeling the pain of things removed, especially most recently the woman I love. After laying in bed for awhile, listening to the rain outside, minor rumbles, watching the flashes of light across the night sky, I decide to start writing, reaching out.

I belong to a meditation app where there are some groups you can join to share, read, and write. So of all nights, (that synchronicity thing) I find the one group dedicated to people looking for a “deeper bond/relationship.”

So hear me out. I Am in no way looking to get into anything of a relationship because of what I just came out of. I’m still completely, totally heart struck, in love, crazy about the woman I was with, and most of all I just miss our connection, the energy, our friendship. We even tried that for about a week, but the connection took such a turn on her end, that she completely cut me off. Almost as if she went from loving me, to hating me. And me, I just sat there feeling punch drunk, trying to understand what had happened. Feelings, thoughts, a whirlwind of insanity left me utterly broken, and trying to understand the bigger picture of “how is this helping me?” So here is my post from 3 AM:

“Feeling so deceived, led on in love I completely gave my heart to be devastated by a “break up email” a month ago. 
So much seemed so perfect and right in the relationship from the chemistry to the interests, our connection spiritually and sharing, it really felt surreal at times and incredible. 
Then my partner seemed to turn one night on a whim with, “our visions don’t match, there is no chemistry, never was, and I never was in love with you.” 
I have been destroyed by this. I feel foolish, naive, and can’t stop thinking about all the times we had that were so beautiful, wondering who I was with, what was real, if anything was real, and how could she turn in an instant to be so cold, even callous to the point of completely deleting me from her life, and move into dating a week later. 
Wondering how we could have shared such depth and intimacy only for it to be discarded like it was nothing. 
I feel like I’m still spinning, asking what is real in my life. 
The other part to this is a huge universal shift in my life, separating me from almost everything that was stable – lost job, friends, family, almost as if I’m being “birthed” into a totally new reality. 
It’s so undeniable that I have no options left but to be with me, work on me, love me, that it feels like my entire life has been arranged simply to do “self-love.” 
So what started out as a relationship rant, really has come back to “was I just in this relationship to be so completely in love, to be so completely devastated, that I finally would love me, and seek my soulmate in me?” 
I’m ok with this, and I know it’s for my greater well-being, I just can’t stop thinking about how things were, what was said, and if the relationship that so completely destroyed me was real at all… 

I keep telling myself, “All is well.” Loving me, just hoping the universe continues to help me grow, love and find fulfillment in me, and not to become hardened or fearful by this, but to love without delusion at a greater depth. 
The pain has just been like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And God I want to get my lessons, to really grow through this, I feel like such a fool for putting my heart out there, and not loving me better, and I’m trying to love that part of me also. 
What really strikes me is even after I’ve been treated so coldly and without feeling, I still love her, pray for her, feel her energy throughout the day – how can one person be so energetically connected, and be so blind to what the other person really is? How can love be so one-sided? 
Looking back I felt much of this, and thought I was just being overly insecure in asking her if things were ok, if she loved me, and her reply was always to “trust me.” Now, all I can see is such deception on a deep level from her, and yet I still love her! 
Uuugghh, feeling so crazy, lost at times. 
Sorry for the long post. 3am no sleep… 
Thanks for letting me share. 
Peace.”

So there it is.

I’m in it once again, up on the hill, alone in my cabin, writing about loss, devastation, rejection and of course unworthiness.

The difference is I know its all for my well-being. Its almost as if I can step back, look at the situation, and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this is ALL Divinely inspired for my spiritual evolution. I see God’s fingerprints everywhere. This relationship was just apart of the bigger picture, the last great swing to crack the ego of denial.

Denial for what?

That I need to love me more, not less, in every aspect of this life.

Every single post comment I received last night and this morning were so supportive, loving, and yet so on point with taking care of and loving me.

I’ve spent so much time in life building relationships outside of myself that I have so often craved and encountered within, and the ones outside of me never lasted. In any area of my life, work, pets, parents, kids, mates. None of them are permanent. They are gifts that come and go, and not in any way controllable.

And as I look closer at who she was as a person, she didn’t love herself either, at least not to the point where she was capable of being in a long term relationship, neither one of us was.

So how can I be upset at anything of this?

It doesn’t matter if Im upset or not, what matters is that I grant me space to be whatever I am, think, feel… that I hold space for my thoughts and feelings with love. That I allow me to respect me, to hold me, and others to love me interdependently as humans should.

We all need connection, love, touch, but learning how to give this to ourselves is paramount. It kind of feels like tuning into the bigger version of me, the bigger “self” wants the experience and connection of others, however that comes, that fellowship, but when this extension of source that is me starts to depend on that solely for its connection, its like I’m cutting me off from who I really am, instead of enjoying the experience of all that I Am.

So yea, do I miss her. For sure. But the evolution that’s taking place is solidifying my connection with me. And the pain is exactly what I needed to pay attention, to crawl out of the cocoon of the ego, to pump the blood of love into the wings that were meant for me to be free.

It was like the last thing to go in my life, the most painful thing yet, to let me know, “It’s going to be ok, no matter what, it will all work out, have faith.”

 

Everyone has to start Somewhere, why not here, now?

So, I’m writing…my first blog as a big smile sweeps an often tear trailed face.

Where do I start?

Well, I guess Ill put some things out there to peak your interest and remember mine. Why I’m doing this. I’ve seen some pretty strange things over my years, heard some pretty strange things, and much of them, well I denied because of fear.

Really I just wanted to be happy, maybe “comfortable” would be a better word. I don’t want to sound like your typical fly by night medium, or small change magician on a street corner, most folks like that years ago I wouldn’t have given a second thought, I just assumed it was a trick, a gimmick, and none of it was real. I remember wanting to believe, in love, in magic, in energy and all its mysterious qualities of connection, and I wasn’t so sarcastic or judgmental, until the pain came. And the wall building began. The delusion. The running, excuses, lies, and fantasies. All the things we do and tell ourselves to be comfortable, until the “comfort” turns cold, and we are left standing there plugging holes in the wall we’ve built as reality gushes through.

And then one day the wall breaks.

Hopefully, it does so completely and without reservation.

I wish that for you, for me. I wish that it is with so much devastation, heartache and tragedy that we can not rebuild it. That we are ushered into love, into our pain. That we come to know what we have been looking for all our lives.

All I know is that now it is real. The universe loved me enough to crush my fantasies, delusions, all that I had built to be comfortable, but not safe. Pain is just the learning curve, and the old paradigm is being destroyed as evolution takes place, “birth.”

Looking back, I never pictured to meet the Angels I did, as smokers, drinkers, or even going to the dark places I would sometimes venture in my youth, but now it makes much more sense. I was in a dark place, and the universe was still there, still trying to reach me, wake me up, love me.

Now its more about loving and embracing those places inside of me, allowing myself to feel them, love me while I judge them, observe me while I think the things I do, and spend time with what arises. Pain? Oh yea. I’m not sure I’ve had a day this past month where it hasn’t been a welcomed guest in my home. If I could have, I would have stepped right back into my delusions if the universe would have allowed that for a moments relief. Even now, I miss dearly my mate, my mother, my income, the friendships, my dog, all the things that were removed from me fro me to be with me. To learn to “love” me. My mind tries to find a way to reopen doors, just for a moments touch, but I bargained for years, cried mercy, and received it, got my way on so much, and now, that’s just not going to cut it. Something, or someone, maybe the greater me, or you, God, the universe, something loves me enough to be with me, withhold from me, give me this space.

Now I’m really doing this, Im really here, Im really in this body, and I’m apart of the movie. I Am being birthed into the kingdom.

I cried for so long, ached for so long about a great many things, and here it is. It’s really happening and this time there is no bargaining. The universe loves me to much for me to just “let this go.” No, it’s screaming “Embrace! Embrace!”

Its happening whether I want it too or not.

And suicide, homicide, criminal activity, the monsters of escape are no joke either. I see it all the time. Sometimes I think it. But then I realize how much pain there is, and something did reach me thank God. Validation that yes, I’m blessed beyond measure. And although Im uncomfortable and in pain, that there’s a purpose beyond the madness of how I feel sometimes – that its not just me, ALOT of people are going through this and aren’t even aware of whats happening.

Maybe I’m writing right now sharing this, so I know I’m not alone, and neither are you.

We just want to feel better. To feel safe, loved.

Its coming. We will. Trust. Have faith. Let the universe guide. It will work out. Your not crazy and neither am I. Don’t buy into the quick fix. Feel. Love every aspect of who you are, and then love others. Thank them. Bless them. Wish everyone more love today than they had yesterday.

I acknowledge your pain.

Thank you for helping me.

I love you.

You are not alone.

Blessings to your heart and mine, James.