Photo by: Cameron Gray
Another night of thoughts, little sleep, and energetic connection to a soul that wants nothing to do with me.
~ article by James Anthony Curtis
Its been almost a month now, and my partner has completely deleted me from her life. The original break up was through email, a few talks on the phone, and then she refused to see me or meet with me.
I poured so much of my self into the relationship that there was virtually no room for me in my life. So when she decided to call us done, I was left with little of me to cope with the feelings of rejection, loss, and unworthiness that came up in me.
I allowed myself to connect to her soul energetically on a deep level. If you’ve ever experienced this you’ll know what I mean. We had a long distance relationship and it was not uncommon to feel her energy throughout the day, the highs, lows, her health, and what was going to such an extent it was hard sometimes to sort out what was what. The connection was so strong I still feel it to this day, although on some levels it is lessoning. This can make for an interesting mix when your old partner starts seeing someone new, and the exhilaration of emotions she gets come up in me, while Im still grieving the loss of our relationship. And on top of that we have no communication, I was never permitted to “part” from her energetically, to grieve the loss as we uncoupled. When this happens there is no recourse but to deal with your feelings, energy, and cope as best you can with the unresolved intimacy to which you are still linked.
Its been much of like dealing with a death. But then Ill get suttle reminders that I might someday run into her on a hiking trail, climbing, a restaurant, or places we used to frequent together. We had such similar interests its not a question of if it will happen, but when. So comes in Stress. The stress of the connection you so much still desire, that your previous partner does not. Stress of how to live daily feeling what you feel. The loss in thought, of something that used to be, that is no more, and all the questions of why? How did it come to this? And Blame. Blaming of self, and of course the other.
To start with, let me acknowledge that if your in pain, if you feel stress, if your reading this identifying, maybe even crying and feeling your own loss, or stress due to some tragedy in your life, you are not alone – WE are not alone.
Allow yourself to feel, love yourself even when you judge yourself, when you judge others or situations. Give yourself permission to think and feel whatever you do, because this will open your heart enough to begin the healing. Think of it literally as a wound, if you ever have had a cut that scabs over, its not a pretty process, healing can look and feel ugly, but underneath that process a wonderful transformation is taking place for me and you.
So lets start with our old paradigm. We tend to tell ourselves “I would feel better if they would act differently,” or, “If this wouldn’t have happened I would feel different.” This is a victimhood stance that traps us, that how other people act, or what our experience is in any given circumstance, determines the amount of stress we feel. What stress actually is, is a sounding board to tell us how out of alignment we are with the universe, or how much we are grounded in ego.
Peace, contentment, and fulfillment come from what we align with, what energy we are anchoring in. Health, vitality and wholeness come from source, or the Divine, not from how people act in our life. This can be a hard lesson. I know it is with me. Frequently I feel out of sorts with my emotions, not just from this recent loss and how she behaved, but from the environment I live in daily. Over and over again I Am doing a check of alignment in love, feeling the feelings, loving my self through them, observing my reactions in love, allowing myself space, and realigning to the universe.
At our very core we are susceptible to the oneness of everything around us. Other peoples emotions, responses, and energy to the food we eat, the amount of movement in our lives, to what we listen or watch can easily affect our field. What we do with that is what I Am learning. How to use that to realign, rather than get tossed about by the waves of existence on some cosmic sea. To be a participant, rather than taking everything on as my own, constantly trying to rearrange the sea to try to make things “better.”
A good indicator of how we handle energy, or what comes to us is how personal we take things. We live in a world where there are billions of unique expressions of the Divine, and for me to think everyone of those expressions acts and thinks as I do, and or should, is crazy. But at the same time, all of those expressions are here to help me. To be mirrors, flashes of light for my greater spiritual evolution.
So I’m learning to integrate the Divine in me more fully for life’s journey. To listen to the universe, the one, in its various aspects of male, female, dark and light, to work through me for my highest destiny and expression of the Divine in me. To align with that which is working in and around, flowing with universe, rather than trying to buck the current. Letting go of clinging, and control, through loving embrace to the fact that I can cling.
So what it comes down to, is the belief that stress, pain or dissatisfaction comes from others, it is an illusion. If I believe my contentment, fulfillment or peace comes from others, it is also an illusion. There has to be a shift in perception. So for us to shift, we first need to acknowledge we don’t know how to shift. If were working with what we came with, we wont get very far, but if we open up to the idea of oneness, or that the universe is working for us, we don’t have to fight against it, and we can ask the universe for help.
We don’t have to try to figure things out. We just have to trust in the much larger version of us than what we’ve been working with. Its like I’ve been the pinky trying to do all the work of the body. I don’t, I cant, we can’t and aren’t meant to do it alone. Loving ourselves is a much larger job than the pinky can handle – it might give its best effort for a while, but eventually, well its only one part of the equation for wholeness. And the rest of the body, well it kind of looks on in compassion saying, “doesn’t he realize he cant do all that lifting on his own?”
So its not about us “getting out of the way,” its about us asking for help, embracing the realization we are not here to do the ride our self. The Divine is in us as a unique expression, why would we not ask us for help through an entire universe at our means?
“Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened.”
Everything that comes our way, is here to help, to love, to birth us out of ego based living and into self-realization of who we truly are. Not who we are becoming, who we already are. Its a process. We have layer upon layer of infinite realization, why not enjoy the process rather than fight against it? Why not give ourselves relief, such wonderful compassion to all the help available, and align with the current? Give ourselves over to our own love, our Divine manifestation, and allow the universe to drawn in exactly what we need. Place us exactly where we should be. And we will know if we are aligned by how we feel. If we feel satisfied, content, at peace: we are aligned. Stressed, we are not. So writing this once again has helped me. Sharing, knowing Im not alone, and receiving your emails, and correspondence has been wonderful.
Thank you so much for helping me.
I acknowledge your pain.
We are not alone. We are loved. Lets ask for help today from our greater selves, and remember not to lift to much with the pinky, when we have the whole body here to help and guide us into our greatest spiritual destiny and highest evolution.
I love you,