April 5th “Body Intelligence”

BODY INTELLIGENCE

Your intelligence is always with you,
overseeing your body, even though
you may not be aware of its work.

If you start doing something against
your health, your intelligence
will eventually scold you.

If it hadn’t been so lovingly close by,
and so constantly monitoring,
how could it rebuke?

You and your intelligence
are like the beauty and the precision
of an astrolabe.

Together, you calculate how near
existence is to the sun!

Your intelligence is marvelously intimate.
It’s not in front of you or behind,
or to the left or the right.

Now try, my friend, to describe how near
is the creator of your intellect!

Intellectual searching will not find
the way to that king!

The movement of your finger
is not separate from your finger.

You go to sleep, or you die,
and there’s no intelligent motion.

Then you wake,
and your fingers
fill with meanings.

Now consider the jewel-lights
in your eyes. How do they work?

This visible universe has many weathers
and variations.
But uncle, O uncle,
the universe of the creation-word,
the divine command to Be, that universe
of qualities is beyond any pointing to.

More intelligent than intellect,
and more spiritual then spirit.

No being is unconnected
to that reality, and that connection
cannot be said. There, there’s
no separation and no return.

These are guides who can show you the way.
Use them. But they will not satisfy your longing.

Keep wanting that connection
with all your pulsing energy.

The throbbing vein
will take you further
than any thinking.

Muhammad said, “Don’t theorize
about essence!” All speculations
are just more layers of covering.
Human beings love coverings!

They think the designs on the curtains
are what’s being concealed.

Observe the wonders as they occur around you.
Don’t claim them. Feel the artistry
moving through, and be silent.

Or say, “I cannot praise You
as You should be praised.

Such words are infinitely
beyond my understanding.”
~Rumi

April 4th “Beauty of the Heart”

The beauty of the heart
is the lasting beauty:
its lips give to drink
of the water of life.
Truly it is the water,
that which pours,
and the one who drinks.
All three become one when
your talisman is shattered.
That oneness you can’t know
by reasoning.
~ Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

Dealing with Stress, Loss and Pain

Photo by: Cameron Gray 

Another night of thoughts, little sleep, and energetic connection to a soul that wants nothing to do with me.

~ article by James Anthony Curtis

Its been almost a month now, and my partner has completely deleted me from her life. The original break up was through email, a few talks on the phone, and then she refused to see me or meet with me.

I poured so much of my self into the relationship that there was virtually no room for me in my life. So when she decided to call us done, I was left with little of me to cope with the feelings of rejection, loss, and unworthiness that came up in me.

I allowed myself to connect to her soul energetically on a deep level. If you’ve ever experienced this you’ll know what I mean. We had a long distance relationship and it was not uncommon to feel her energy throughout the day, the highs, lows, her health, and what was going to such an extent it was hard sometimes to sort out what was what. The connection was so strong I still feel it to this day, although on some levels it is lessoning. This can make for an interesting mix when your old partner starts seeing someone new, and the exhilaration of emotions she gets come up in me, while Im still grieving the loss of our relationship. And on top of that we have no communication, I was never permitted to “part” from her energetically, to grieve the loss as we uncoupled. When this happens there is no recourse but to deal with your feelings, energy, and cope as best you can with the unresolved intimacy to which you are still linked.

Its been much of like dealing with a death. But then Ill get suttle reminders that I might someday run into her on a hiking trail, climbing, a restaurant, or places we used to frequent together. We had such similar interests its not a question of if it will happen, but when. So comes in Stress. The stress of the connection you so much still desire, that your previous partner does not. Stress of how to live daily feeling what you feel. The loss in thought, of something that used to be, that is no more, and all the questions of why? How did it come to this? And Blame. Blaming of self, and of course the other.

To start with, let me acknowledge that if your in pain, if you feel stress, if your reading this identifying, maybe even crying and feeling your own loss, or stress due to some tragedy in your life, you are not alone – WE are not alone.

Allow yourself to feel, love yourself even when you judge yourself, when you judge others or situations. Give yourself permission to think and feel whatever you do, because this will open your heart enough to begin the healing. Think of it literally as a wound, if you ever have had a cut that scabs over, its not a pretty process, healing can look and feel ugly, but underneath that process a wonderful transformation is taking place for me and you.

So lets start with our old paradigm. We tend to tell ourselves “I would feel better if they would act differently,” or, “If this wouldn’t have happened I would feel different.” This is a victimhood stance that traps us, that how other people act, or what our experience is in any given circumstance, determines the amount of stress we feel. What stress actually is, is a sounding board to tell us how out of alignment we are with the universe, or how much we are grounded in ego.

Peace, contentment, and fulfillment come from what we align with, what energy we are anchoring in. Health, vitality and wholeness come from source, or the Divine, not from how people act in our life. This can be a hard lesson. I know it is with me. Frequently I feel out of sorts with my emotions, not just from this recent loss and how she behaved, but from the environment I live in daily. Over and over again I Am doing a check of alignment in love, feeling the feelings, loving my self through them, observing my reactions in love, allowing myself space, and realigning to the universe.

At our very core we are susceptible to the oneness of everything around us. Other peoples emotions, responses, and energy to the food we eat, the amount of movement in our lives, to what we listen or watch can easily affect our field. What we do with that is what I Am learning. How to use that to realign, rather than get tossed about by the waves of existence on some cosmic sea. To be a participant, rather than taking everything on as my own, constantly trying to rearrange the sea to try to make things “better.”

A good indicator of how we handle energy, or what comes to us is how personal we take things. We live in a world where there are billions of unique expressions of the Divine, and for me to think everyone of those expressions acts and thinks as I do, and or should, is crazy. But at the same time, all of those expressions are here to help me. To be mirrors, flashes of light for my greater spiritual evolution.

So I’m learning to integrate the Divine in me more fully for life’s journey. To listen to the universe, the one, in its various aspects of male, female, dark and light, to work through me for my highest destiny and expression of the Divine in me. To align with that which is working in and around, flowing with universe, rather than trying to buck the current. Letting go of clinging, and control, through loving embrace to the fact that I can cling.

So what it comes down to, is the belief that stress, pain or dissatisfaction comes from others, it is an illusion. If I believe my contentment, fulfillment or peace comes from others, it is also an illusion. There has to be a shift in perception. So for us to shift, we first need to acknowledge we don’t know how to shift. If were working with what we came with, we wont get very far, but if we open up to the idea of oneness, or that the universe is working for us, we don’t have to fight against it, and we can ask the universe for help.

We don’t have to try to figure things out. We just have to trust in the much larger version of us than what we’ve been working with. Its like I’ve been the pinky trying to do all the work of the body. I don’t, I cant, we can’t and aren’t meant to do it alone. Loving ourselves is a much larger job than the pinky can handle – it might give its best effort for a while, but eventually, well its only one part of the equation for wholeness. And the rest of the body, well it kind of looks on in compassion saying, “doesn’t he realize he cant do all that lifting on his own?”

So its not about us “getting out of the way,” its about us asking for help, embracing the realization we are not here to do the ride our self. The Divine is in us as a unique expression, why would we not ask us for help through an entire universe at our means?

“Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened.”

Everything that comes our way, is here to help, to love, to birth us out of ego based living and into self-realization of who we truly are. Not who we are becoming, who we already are. Its a process. We have layer upon layer of infinite realization, why not enjoy the process rather than fight against it? Why not give ourselves relief, such wonderful compassion to all the help available, and align with the current? Give ourselves over to our own love, our Divine manifestation, and allow the universe to drawn in exactly what we need. Place us exactly where we should be. And we will know if we are aligned by how we feel. If we feel satisfied, content, at peace: we are aligned. Stressed, we are not. So writing this once again has helped me. Sharing, knowing Im not alone, and receiving your emails, and correspondence has been wonderful.

Thank you so much for helping me.

I acknowledge your pain.

We are not alone. We are loved. Lets ask for help today from our greater selves, and remember not to lift to much with the pinky, when we have the whole body here to help and guide us into our greatest spiritual destiny and highest evolution.

I love you,
James

 

 

 

Learn to Take care of yourself!

So 3 Am last night, and once again eyes wide open.

Hurting, feeling the pain of things removed, especially most recently the woman I love. After laying in bed for awhile, listening to the rain outside, minor rumbles, watching the flashes of light across the night sky, I decide to start writing, reaching out.

I belong to a meditation app where there are some groups you can join to share, read, and write. So of all nights, (that synchronicity thing) I find the one group dedicated to people looking for a “deeper bond/relationship.”

So hear me out. I Am in no way looking to get into anything of a relationship because of what I just came out of. I’m still completely, totally heart struck, in love, crazy about the woman I was with, and most of all I just miss our connection, the energy, our friendship. We even tried that for about a week, but the connection took such a turn on her end, that she completely cut me off. Almost as if she went from loving me, to hating me. And me, I just sat there feeling punch drunk, trying to understand what had happened. Feelings, thoughts, a whirlwind of insanity left me utterly broken, and trying to understand the bigger picture of “how is this helping me?” So here is my post from 3 AM:

“Feeling so deceived, led on in love I completely gave my heart to be devastated by a “break up email” a month ago. 
So much seemed so perfect and right in the relationship from the chemistry to the interests, our connection spiritually and sharing, it really felt surreal at times and incredible. 
Then my partner seemed to turn one night on a whim with, “our visions don’t match, there is no chemistry, never was, and I never was in love with you.” 
I have been destroyed by this. I feel foolish, naive, and can’t stop thinking about all the times we had that were so beautiful, wondering who I was with, what was real, if anything was real, and how could she turn in an instant to be so cold, even callous to the point of completely deleting me from her life, and move into dating a week later. 
Wondering how we could have shared such depth and intimacy only for it to be discarded like it was nothing. 
I feel like I’m still spinning, asking what is real in my life. 
The other part to this is a huge universal shift in my life, separating me from almost everything that was stable – lost job, friends, family, almost as if I’m being “birthed” into a totally new reality. 
It’s so undeniable that I have no options left but to be with me, work on me, love me, that it feels like my entire life has been arranged simply to do “self-love.” 
So what started out as a relationship rant, really has come back to “was I just in this relationship to be so completely in love, to be so completely devastated, that I finally would love me, and seek my soulmate in me?” 
I’m ok with this, and I know it’s for my greater well-being, I just can’t stop thinking about how things were, what was said, and if the relationship that so completely destroyed me was real at all… 

I keep telling myself, “All is well.” Loving me, just hoping the universe continues to help me grow, love and find fulfillment in me, and not to become hardened or fearful by this, but to love without delusion at a greater depth. 
The pain has just been like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And God I want to get my lessons, to really grow through this, I feel like such a fool for putting my heart out there, and not loving me better, and I’m trying to love that part of me also. 
What really strikes me is even after I’ve been treated so coldly and without feeling, I still love her, pray for her, feel her energy throughout the day – how can one person be so energetically connected, and be so blind to what the other person really is? How can love be so one-sided? 
Looking back I felt much of this, and thought I was just being overly insecure in asking her if things were ok, if she loved me, and her reply was always to “trust me.” Now, all I can see is such deception on a deep level from her, and yet I still love her! 
Uuugghh, feeling so crazy, lost at times. 
Sorry for the long post. 3am no sleep… 
Thanks for letting me share. 
Peace.”

So there it is.

I’m in it once again, up on the hill, alone in my cabin, writing about loss, devastation, rejection and of course unworthiness.

The difference is I know its all for my well-being. Its almost as if I can step back, look at the situation, and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this is ALL Divinely inspired for my spiritual evolution. I see God’s fingerprints everywhere. This relationship was just apart of the bigger picture, the last great swing to crack the ego of denial.

Denial for what?

That I need to love me more, not less, in every aspect of this life.

Every single post comment I received last night and this morning were so supportive, loving, and yet so on point with taking care of and loving me.

I’ve spent so much time in life building relationships outside of myself that I have so often craved and encountered within, and the ones outside of me never lasted. In any area of my life, work, pets, parents, kids, mates. None of them are permanent. They are gifts that come and go, and not in any way controllable.

And as I look closer at who she was as a person, she didn’t love herself either, at least not to the point where she was capable of being in a long term relationship, neither one of us was.

So how can I be upset at anything of this?

It doesn’t matter if Im upset or not, what matters is that I grant me space to be whatever I am, think, feel… that I hold space for my thoughts and feelings with love. That I allow me to respect me, to hold me, and others to love me interdependently as humans should.

We all need connection, love, touch, but learning how to give this to ourselves is paramount. It kind of feels like tuning into the bigger version of me, the bigger “self” wants the experience and connection of others, however that comes, that fellowship, but when this extension of source that is me starts to depend on that solely for its connection, its like I’m cutting me off from who I really am, instead of enjoying the experience of all that I Am.

So yea, do I miss her. For sure. But the evolution that’s taking place is solidifying my connection with me. And the pain is exactly what I needed to pay attention, to crawl out of the cocoon of the ego, to pump the blood of love into the wings that were meant for me to be free.

It was like the last thing to go in my life, the most painful thing yet, to let me know, “It’s going to be ok, no matter what, it will all work out, have faith.”

 

Everyone has to start Somewhere, why not here, now?

So, I’m writing…my first blog as a big smile sweeps an often tear trailed face.

Where do I start?

Well, I guess Ill put some things out there to peak your interest and remember mine. Why I’m doing this. I’ve seen some pretty strange things over my years, heard some pretty strange things, and much of them, well I denied because of fear.

Really I just wanted to be happy, maybe “comfortable” would be a better word. I don’t want to sound like your typical fly by night medium, or small change magician on a street corner, most folks like that years ago I wouldn’t have given a second thought, I just assumed it was a trick, a gimmick, and none of it was real. I remember wanting to believe, in love, in magic, in energy and all its mysterious qualities of connection, and I wasn’t so sarcastic or judgmental, until the pain came. And the wall building began. The delusion. The running, excuses, lies, and fantasies. All the things we do and tell ourselves to be comfortable, until the “comfort” turns cold, and we are left standing there plugging holes in the wall we’ve built as reality gushes through.

And then one day the wall breaks.

Hopefully, it does so completely and without reservation.

I wish that for you, for me. I wish that it is with so much devastation, heartache and tragedy that we can not rebuild it. That we are ushered into love, into our pain. That we come to know what we have been looking for all our lives.

All I know is that now it is real. The universe loved me enough to crush my fantasies, delusions, all that I had built to be comfortable, but not safe. Pain is just the learning curve, and the old paradigm is being destroyed as evolution takes place, “birth.”

Looking back, I never pictured to meet the Angels I did, as smokers, drinkers, or even going to the dark places I would sometimes venture in my youth, but now it makes much more sense. I was in a dark place, and the universe was still there, still trying to reach me, wake me up, love me.

Now its more about loving and embracing those places inside of me, allowing myself to feel them, love me while I judge them, observe me while I think the things I do, and spend time with what arises. Pain? Oh yea. I’m not sure I’ve had a day this past month where it hasn’t been a welcomed guest in my home. If I could have, I would have stepped right back into my delusions if the universe would have allowed that for a moments relief. Even now, I miss dearly my mate, my mother, my income, the friendships, my dog, all the things that were removed from me fro me to be with me. To learn to “love” me. My mind tries to find a way to reopen doors, just for a moments touch, but I bargained for years, cried mercy, and received it, got my way on so much, and now, that’s just not going to cut it. Something, or someone, maybe the greater me, or you, God, the universe, something loves me enough to be with me, withhold from me, give me this space.

Now I’m really doing this, Im really here, Im really in this body, and I’m apart of the movie. I Am being birthed into the kingdom.

I cried for so long, ached for so long about a great many things, and here it is. It’s really happening and this time there is no bargaining. The universe loves me to much for me to just “let this go.” No, it’s screaming “Embrace! Embrace!”

Its happening whether I want it too or not.

And suicide, homicide, criminal activity, the monsters of escape are no joke either. I see it all the time. Sometimes I think it. But then I realize how much pain there is, and something did reach me thank God. Validation that yes, I’m blessed beyond measure. And although Im uncomfortable and in pain, that there’s a purpose beyond the madness of how I feel sometimes – that its not just me, ALOT of people are going through this and aren’t even aware of whats happening.

Maybe I’m writing right now sharing this, so I know I’m not alone, and neither are you.

We just want to feel better. To feel safe, loved.

Its coming. We will. Trust. Have faith. Let the universe guide. It will work out. Your not crazy and neither am I. Don’t buy into the quick fix. Feel. Love every aspect of who you are, and then love others. Thank them. Bless them. Wish everyone more love today than they had yesterday.

I acknowledge your pain.

Thank you for helping me.

I love you.

You are not alone.

Blessings to your heart and mine, James.